TW: DISCUSSION OF SURGERY

so, i had my consultation for top surgery. it went really well, my surgeon is a cool dude. it was weird having a guy professionally honk my bobos, but that was nothing compared to the excitement i felt at the possibility of finally being comfortable in my body. the fishmouth incision is what they'll be doing. he said that his happiest clients are the ones who didn't keep their nipples and just get them tattooed on after, so i've decided i'm going to go that route. i initially wanted to keep them, but apparently you have to keep the tissue beneath them to keep them from going necrotic, and i want to be as flat as possible. it'd only be about a week for recovery and i wouldn't have to have drains, so that's pretty sick.

the price they quoted me was $6155, which is about $5k less than the last place i had a consultation with. unfortunately they don't do payment plans though, so i'm still still at square one. i'm excited, but i'm also not excited. i mean, i'm excited because it seems more possible than it did before, but it's still such a far away thing that it's like, not real? if that makes sense. i only have $20 in savings and we have a lot of credit card debt to pay down. i was kind of thinking of starting a gofundme, but those never really work out. it would be great if some anonymous benefactor could just throw $6k at me, lmao.

so yeah, it went well but it's still a "someday" thing. regardless, i'm happy i went. i don't know how to end this post, lmao, bye.

TW: DISCUSSION OF AMERICAN POLITICS AND THE ISRAELI GENOCIDE AGAINST GAZA

i'm so fucking sickened by this country. our infrastructure is falling apart, our people are barely making enough to get by, and somehow this administration is prioritizing aiding an unthinkable genocide. i don't even know what to say anymore. there's nothing that hasn't been said. the actions of a terrorist organization do not warrant the coldblooded murder of thousands of innocent civilians, the destruction of schools and churches and hospitals, and anyone with half a brain understands that. all i can say is that if you can, strike. if you can't, do whatever you can to aid palestinians. one thing i can recommend is the purchase of eSims, which you can do through an app called simly.io. instructions for how to get it to people who need it are below.

somehow, against all odds, i have turned thirty. i'm officially Old Online.

my birthday was yesterday. mads and i went to oklahoma city on wednesday night, stayed in an airbnb, and spent the day in the city. it was really nice! we had breakfat at all about cha, a really good korean cafe, went to a couple of cool shops in the gay district, got some cute stickers and snacks at the huge asian market and delicious drinks at another one. we also stopped at half price books (i picked up the aenid and the illiad bc i've never read either, and mads got the sun also rises) and the container store. my god, i would live in the container store if i could. we got a bunch of stuff to organize our desk area for when i open my etsy shop. we got back in to tulsa at around 8:30 and just hung out for the rest of the night. it was really peaceful, which i think both of us needed.

today i slept in AND took a nap because apparently i have no self control, but we did get a lot done on the house. for dinner we went to india palace with our best friend. it's literally always so good, absolutely the best indian food in town. after that, they took me to the mall and spit a pair of doc marten loafers for me. i've never had a brand new pair, so i'm not looking forward to breaking them in, but they look great and i'm happy to have em.

all in all, it's been a really nice couple of days. it's definitely made me feel less weird about being thirty. i've had a lot of thoughts and emotions wrapped up in that, especially because i never thought i would make it this far in the first place. but i'm happy, and i'm happy to be here. :)

content warning: gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia

my dysphoria has been unbelievably bad lately. i go through phases with it; sometimes i'm uncomfortable but can manage, sometimes i'm devastated. i've been looking at grants for top surgery but they make you jump through so many hoops, and i know there are other, less fortunate people who need it more than i do. but god, it's really kicking my ass. i cried the other day because i saw a picture of someone with top surgery scars. someone calling me "ma'am" at work sent me into a two day long depression. i don't really know what to do. i can't just wear my binder 24/7.

on top of that, i've gained twenty-five pounds in the last year and a half. it's really, really distressing. i've always been pretty skinny, and i'm having to force myself to adjust to this new body. at what i currently weigh, i'm still small, and i would never in my life think to criticize anyone else for weighing what i do. it's like i'm only fatphobic to myself. i'm only transphobic to myself. i would rather eat glass than tell someone they're "too fat" or would never be a "real" man, but when it's me, i think those things. i'm really having a hard time not being extraordinarily critical of myself. the antidepressant i'm on is definitely working, at least better than the one i just switched from. i think it's really just a lifetime of self-deprecation forming awful mental health habits. i'm trying to use the coping skills i've picked up in the time i've been alive, but it's really, really hard right now. i wish i could just flip a switch and wake up in the body i want.

my code for this blog is an absolute disaster, i know for a fact there has to be a cleaner way to have set this up.

anyway, i said i was gonna post pictures, so here are some pictures. 👍

DALLAS

just a couple of decrepit goths

had NO idea lead into gold was opening for them, this was so sick

my mans <3

me and paul barker! i have bald guy hair! he was legitimately such a cool and nice guy!

toronto

real matt johnson heads know what's up

cute little church street garden

the soy boys on church street has immaculate vibes

love this person, love this cat

i was right in my thinking that this whole trip was going to be exhausting, but my god it was so fun. skinny puppy was amazing, i got to meet paul barker (who i didn't even know was opening for them!!!), i got to have an incredible three days in toronto with my best friends, and now i'm finally home. i just hate that i have to go to work tomorrow, lmao. but i do feel refreshed and like i got a good break. i'll post pictures maybe tomorrow? but for now i'm going to smoke a bowl and go the fuck to sleep.

in the thralls of what could have been a manic episode, mads and i bought tickets to a skinny puppy show. we also bought tickets to toronto. we've been saving for a while (and not for anything specific,) so we're not doing anything financially risky, but it still feels wild that we just decided last-minute to take a three day trip out of the country. it worked out really well though bc both the concert tickets and the hotel room let me use afterpay, and i got the tickets way in advance so they were already paid off by the time we booked the hotel room. and our friends are picking us up when we land, so we don't have to worry about crashing anywhere.

it's going to be a rough 24 hours though bc we're:

• ✦ driving 4 hours for to the show
• ✦ getting dinner
• ✦ checking into the hotel
• ✦ going to the show
• ✦ going back to the hotel and going immediately to sleep
• ✦ waking up at 6 am to be on the road by 7 am
• ✦ driving 4 hours back home
• ✦ stopping at the apartment
• ✦ getting our travel stuff
• ✦ rushing to the airport
• ✦ getting on a flight
• ✦ huge layover (that's why it was cheap lmao)
• ✦ getting to toronto at 11 pm
• ✦ ubering to friends' place
• ✦ getting up early to pack in everything we want to do
• ✦ generally hanging out for three days
• ✦ flying back home, getting in around midnight
• ✦ going to work the next day